The Future Is Yet Unshaped
by complexionperplexion
Summary: Tasneem is from modern day England and has no idea why she's in Camelot, all she wants is to get back home (with Merlin's help). Unfortunately her love of romanticism and her bi heart means she's falling in love left, right and centre. She ends up creating more trouble than she means to and is just trying to get through each day without getting accused of some form of witchcraft.
1. Chapter 1

"Excuse me, what are you doing in my bed?"

My head turned quickly to find the source of the voice. A man stood in the doorway of the strange room. I took in his pale skin and dark hair, scanning his face for any hint of familiarity but I could find none. His clothes, much like the room I found myself in were...strange. They were like something from a medieval painting, reminding me vaguely of a Horrible Histories style set. However, given that I'd woken up in his bed a few moments ago with absolutely no knowledge as to how I got there I probably wasn't in the best position to judge his life choices.

"I'm not entirely sure..." Despite being aware of how suspicious that sounded I had always been of the belief that honesty is the best policy.

"Well could you get out of it?" His request was by no means unreasonable, but I had found myself to be quite comfortable in his bed and so was somewhat reluctant to get out.

"Yes, sorry, I'll do that now." I brought myself to my feet. His quizzical look made me self-conscious, he seemed to be holding in a laugh. "What?" I noted my passive aggressive tone and tried to rein it in, I was intruding in his space, it wouldn't do to be rude.

"You look ridiculous." I looked down at myself and realised I was wearing my purple hoodie and neon yellow and pink striped pyjamas. I frowned slightly, I didn't remember going to bed in this, well not in the hoodie at least. "How did you get in here?"

I looked back at him, he seemed more amused than annoyed, but I remained wary nonetheless.

"Erm...I don't really know...Let me check my phone there's probably something on there maybe..." I trailed off as I reached into my pocket and was relieved to find my phone there. I quickly turned it on and unlocked it... How odd, I couldn't connect to the internet, and there wasn't any signal either. Suddenly my phone was snatched from me, I glared at the now irate man in front of me and reached to get it back, but he kept it out of my reach.

"You have to get rid of that. Magic is outlawed in Camelot, are you trying to get killed?"

"What? Magic?" I managed to grab my phone back and took a few steps away from him, partly to protect my phone but mostly because alarm bells had started ringing in my head, he seemed dangerous. "This is my phone you idio-Wait did you say Camelot?"

"Yes, Camelot." He seemed completely serious, although his claim was utterly ridiculous. I tried to keep calm, this man was potentially delusional. I'd learnt how to interact with delusional patients at university a few weeks ago, the most important thing was to remain calm and polite, they usually weren't dangerous unless in extreme situations.

"By Camelot do you mean King Arthur and his knights of the round table?" I was attempting to ask a few (hopefully) harmless questions as a way to assess whether I was in any danger.

"Well, there's a Prince Arthur, Uther is king. and there are knights, but I am not aware of any tables." He seemed stable and harmless enough. I would still rather be elsewhere though, preferably with someone who could explain what on earth was going on.

"And what about Merlin?" He seemed to stiffen at the name, I hoped I hadn't triggered anything. "The wizard? The one who helps Arthur." He started to walk towards me, there was hostility in his eyes and I felt the need to get away as soon as possible. I scanned the room for the closest exit.

"How do you know about him?" I noted the aggression in his voice and decided quickly that I needed to escape.

"Oh...Well...You see-" I pushed him backwards as hard as I could and ran past him to the door. I heard him yell after me and didn't look back to check if he was following me.

I ran as fast as I could, trying to figure out where I was. I seemed to be in some sort of stone building, a castle perhaps? And everyone seemed to be dressed as oddly as the man had. I didn't have time to process this information before I collided with someone whilst turning a corner. I yelped as I fell to the floor, scraping my arm on the wall in the process. It appeared to be bleeding quite badly and really fucking hurt. I looked around to see who I had collided with and watched in awe as a stunning woman got herself to her feet. Her hair cascaded behind her, her lips a deep red, her eyes sparkling. I tried to get myself to my feet but struggled, dizzy both from the fall and her beauty. She extended her hand towards me and I took hold of it, it helped stabilise me as I got up. But once I had stood up I couldn't bring myself to let go of her hand.

"Oh God I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going I just- I was being chased and I didn't mean-"

"Somebody is chasing you?" She seemed genuinely concerned.

"Yes, I'm scared he might hurt me if he finds me." She pulled me into a room close by, our hands still clasped. My heart was racing, and I wasn't sure if it was the adrenaline from being chased or being so close to her.

"These are my private chambers, you will be safe here. Are you alright? Your arm seems to be injured quite badly."

"Yes, that was from the fall. I'm so sorry again-"

"It is quite alright, it was obviously an accident." She smiled reassuringly at me and I returned it. This felt significantly safer than when I was with that man. "What is your name?"

I paused momentarily. I weighed up whether I should be truthful, she was a stranger and I did not know whether her intentions were good. However, she had gone out of her way to help me, and she seemed to be kind...and insanely pretty. "Tasneem, and yours?"

"Morgana." Even her name was pretty. "What happened to you Tasneem?"

I tried to think of a way to explain that wouldn't make me seem insane, it was definitely an odd situation. "I'm not too sure... I remember going to sleep in my own bed but... Well I woke up in the bed of this man, I have no idea who he is or how I got there. It's like this whole chunk of my memory is just missing, which seems impossible I know but it's true, I swear. And I think the man was delusional, he said I was in Camelot, which just isn't possible, and I managed to get away and he was the one who's chasing me."

"Tasneem... You are in Camelot." She looked as serious as the man had. Something clicked in my head as everything fell into place. She was telling the truth. It explained why my phone didn't work, why everyone was dressed so oddly and spoke so formally, and why I was in a medieval castle. I took a deep breath to calm myself down.

"It doesn't make sense, I'm not from here." A tightness started to form in my chest and I choked back tears, this didn't seem real. I thought maybe it was a dream, or perhaps some ridiculous new reality show and any second now someone would jump out and say I was part of some stupid TV prank. But that never happened. Morgana frowned slightly, noting my obvious panic. She squeezed my hand gently in an attempt to reassure me, but it did little to settle me nerves.

"Come, let us get you to Gaius, he is the royal physician. He will be able to help with your arm, and maybe help you make some sense of what has happened." As she walked towards a dresser I tried to stop myself from shaking and prayed that I didn't throw up. "Here, let me put this on you, I don't want you to hurt your arm more." I nodded meekly, she wrapped the cloak around my shoulders and tied it in the front, "Now the man who was chasing you should not recognise you" she said gently as she pulled the hood up to shield my face.

"Thank you." I whispered

She took my hand again and led me through the castle. I appreciated her remaining silent as we walked and allowing me to have time to process what was happening. As we walked my eyes searched for anything that would indicate that this wasn't real, but everything seemed legit. I just wanted to go home. What if I never saw my family again? Or my friends? I had an entire life that I might never go back to. I felt sick. My breathing began to quicken and I struggled to keep the tears from falling as my lip quivered. It was all too much. It didn't make sense. Why was this happening? Morgana squeezed my hand and the small smile she gave me allowed some calm to the storm in my mind. She knocked assertively on the door in front of us. I was incredibly grateful that she had taken the time to help me.

"My lady," an elderly man had opened the door, "what brings you here?"

"My friend has been injured, I was hoping you could treat her." Gaius motioned for us to enter the room and Morgana told me to sit on a nearby bench. Gaius had spotted my bloodied arm and had gone to his workbench to fetch some bandages and a few bottles containing various concoctions. "She has also had some memory loss, do you think it is possible she has had a head injury?"

"Perhaps." mused Gaius as he went to the opposite side of the room to find some other objects. "I would have to do a more thorough examination to determine that."

"I am afraid I have to leave now Tasneem, I have a meeting with the King I am terribly late for. However, I will come here immediately after. You will be safe with Gaius." her smile seemed apologetic but it reassured me greatly to know that she was looking out for me.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me Morgana. Thank you." I smiled back at her and waved her goodbye as she left. "Thank you too Gaius, I imagine you must be very busy." he smiled at me kindly.

"It is no problem, this is my job after all." He came next to me and started applying bandages that had been soaked in something, I presume some form of antibacterial, that smelled strongly of herbs. It stung slightly and so I winced whenever he put some on a new bit of flesh. "Morgana mentioned some memory loss, can you tell me more about that?"

Just as I was about to begin my story the door was abruptly slammed open. "Gaius we have a problem..." The man who had been chasing me trailed off as his eyes landed on me. It seems I was the problem he had been searching for. Although I no longer believed him to be delusional he still made me extremely wary. But it seemed he knew Gaius, so I should at least attempt to make amends for running from him.

"I'm sorry for pushing you, I thought you were delusional. I didn't realise I was actually in Camelot. Did I hurt you?" He seemed startled and just stared at me.

"Merlin, will you stop standing there like a statue and go get me some more bandages?" Gaius scoffed at him. My eyes widened at the realisation. It seemed impossible and yet... Well I'd somehow ended up in Camelot, nothing was really impossible. I knew Merlin as an old man who, from my memory of Shrek at least, was kooky as fuck.

"You're Merlin? As in THE Merlin? But you said magic was like illegal or something so how are you Merlin? Not that that means you're not Merlin but like it's a weird name it's not like there's gonna be loads of you... Although maybe it is a common name it's not like I'm from around here I wouldn't know. But if you are Merlin then how do you do your magic stuff?" Gaius looked at me in shock, completely unaware of what had happened between us.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He was obviously lying, his body had stiffened when I had first mentioned Merlin, and now he was acting all tense. Not to mention Gaius' reaction.

"I think you do. Come on I know already, plus you're like famous." He turned to look at me frowning.

"Famous?" I realised how insane it would sound if I told Gaius where I was actually from, especially with him being the physician, maybe he'd think I was a witch or something and kill me like Merlin had said earlier.

"Nope. I misspoke. I wasn't thinking of Merlin, I was thinking of Marlin, you know like the fish. Complete mix up sorry. Must be that head injury Morgana was talking about Gaius. Yeah I'm just a bit confused sorry about that." Merlin frowned at me and I tried to ignore it. I fixed my eyes to a spot on the ground and attempted to hide my embarrassment. He handed Gaius the extra bandages and the room remained silent as Gaius continued with the bandages. Merlin's frowning also continued.

"Gaius knows about my magic."

"Merlin!" Gaius chastised.

"Oh thank God. Ok this sounds crazy but I'm from the future like in a thousand years, and I have no idea how I got here or how I can get back. Like I woke up in your bed and like all of a sudden I was here. And magic isn't even real in the future, well maybe it is but it's definitely like underground if it is. But you're like famous like I learnt about you in primary school. I mean I don't remember much about what you do because it's been like twenty years or something but I know you're important but also you're just like a myth like none of this is supposed to be real. This is just so weird I have no idea what's happening and I just want to go home."

Merlin and Gaius both looked at me in shock. I prayed I hadn't made a mistake in telling them everything. Merlin began to smile and I felt myself relax.

"Look at that Gaius, I'm famous. No more bossing me about." Gaius scoffed at him. "Does everyone dress this strangely in the future?"

I chuckled at that. "No, this is what I wear to sleep, I didn't think anyone would see me." I was incredibly relieved that he believed me, although Gaius still seemed somewhat sceptical.

"We should probably get you some new clothes. Merlin, will you go to Gwen and sort something out?"

"And what exactly am I meant to tell Gwen? It might look a bit odd if I just ask for some dresses Gaius."

"Say she's a friend from home and you're gifting her them." Merlin frowned at that. But he nodded and walked out. I smiled to myself, glad I had somewhere to be myself. Merlin's head popped back through the door.

"What's your name? You never told me."

"You never asked." He scowled jokingly at me and I laughed, feeling lighter than I had all day. "Tasneem." He nodded and left again.


	2. Chapter 2

"I know you're not sure that I'm from the future." I looked over to Gaius as soon as Merlin had left. If he knew about Merlin's magic and kept it secret I doubted he'd report me for being a witch, but I wanted to be sure I was on his good side.

He frowned slightly as he finished my bandages. "It seems a bit...far fetched. It makes sense, you look and talk very differently to anyone I have ever met. And Merlin seems to be certain you are telling the truth."

"But you're unsure?" I looked at him intently, searching for a sign that he could be a danger to me.

"Yes, I have no reason to believe that you are telling the truth." His honesty lessened my suspicions so I reached into my pocket for my phone in order to prove I was being truthful. But it wasn't there. Oh God. I felt my heart stop. I must have dropped it as I was running from Merlin. I quickly stood up and rushed for the door. "Where are you going?" Gaius shouted after me.

I turned to face him, my panic evident. "I lost my phone." He looked at me strangely, of course he wouldn't know what a phone was, I was being an idiot. "It's a device from the future. We use it to communicate to each other. I need it. If anyone else finds it they might think it's magic, Merlin certainly did." He looked even more confused at the mention of Merlin and it was then that I realised he still had no idea Merlin and I had met earlier. "He saw me with it before, I was the problem he was referring to when he came in."

"Oh." Gaius still looked rather unsure, "Well you cannot go out dressed like that, Merlin has some clothes in his room back there that should fit you." I nodded my thanks and hurriedly went to change.

* * *

I couldn't seem to find my phone anywhere. The fact that I didn't know my way around the castle wasn't much help either. I sighed in frustration as I searched yet another corridor. This was ridiculous, they had no way of knowing it was even mine, I probably wouldn't get in trouble for it. But also I'd never travelled in time before and I didn't want to be the girl that completely fucked up history by allowing future technology to get into the wrong hands. I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye and breathed a sigh of relief, I could see my phone at the end of the corridor and ran towards it. But just before I got there someone else reached to pick it up. I swore under my breath and tried to figure out a way to get my phone back from them before they realised what it was.

"That's mine." I said in a loud voice, hoping that that if I was assertive they'd just hand it right over. I took a moment to look at who it was that had taken my phone. He was dressed in what I presumed was chain mail, he had shaggy blonde hair and striking blue eyes. I tried to remain in control and ignore the fact that he was incredibly attractive.

"Finders keepers." His cocky tone irked me and immediately I found myself significantly less attracted to him. He started to walk away but I grabbed his arm to stop him.

"I want it back." I gave him my sternest look in the hopes that he would give in. Unfortunately, I was not that lucky,

"It is no longer yours." I huffed in annoyance and he raised his eyebrow as if amused, a response that only annoyed me further.

"You can't just take something that doesn't belong to you." He chuckled as my annoyance increased. I needed my phone back as soon as possible. He pulled his arm out of my grasp.

"Neither can you, so unless you have something you can give me in return..." I glared at him, I literally had nothing I could give him. There was only one thing I could think of, but I definitely didn't want to embarrass myself like that. It appeared I had no choice. I internally swore as I came to terms with the fact I was going to have to attempt to seduce this stranger, something I was in no way good at. I put on my best smile, raising my hand to place it gently on his arm.

"Well, there is one thing I could give you..." I ran my hand up his arm, moving to his cheek. I paused for a moment, trying to make it clear what I was suggesting and allowing him some time to say no. He seemed taken aback but did nothing to stop me. I leaned in to kiss him, his eyes closed as he moved his face closer to mine. I took the opportunity and grabbed my phone from his hand, running as fast as I could in the other direction. I really wasn't looking forward to another chase. I weaved between the various people in the castle who were performing their every day tasks. Suddenly I felt myself being pulled into a room and someone slapped their hand over my mouth. I struggled against the stranger, but their arm was wrapped firmly around me so I couldn't escape.

"It's me, calm down already." I pulled away aggressively and turned around to see Merlin. "Who were you running from this time? And why are you wearing my clothes?" I flopped down on a nearby chair as he was talking. I was exhausted from running so much, and the stress of the day seemed to be catching up with me.

"Gaius wouldn't let me out in my own clothes. Also you could do with washing these, why do all of your clothes stink?" He pulled a face at me and I stifled a laugh.

"Don't worry you have your own dresses now." He pointed at some dresses he'd chucked on the floor. I groaned in frustration, I hated wearing dresses. "Why did you need to go out anyway?"

I held up my phone "I lost this." I observed the confusion on his face and motioned for him to come over. "It's not magic like you thought it was. It's a phone, we use them to communicate with each other in the future. Look here are some messages between my best friend and I," I struggled not to cry as I looked through them, terrified at the prospect of never seeing him again, "it's like sending a letter but it only takes a few seconds as opposed to days." I looked over, at Merlin seeing the wonder in his face cheered me up. It felt like this was the first time I was properly seeing him, the previous times we'd interacted I had been fearful for my life. He was actually kind of cute when he smiled like that. I quickly told myself off. Why did I have to find everyone here attractive? I blamed it on having just got out of a relationship, I was now seeing opportunity everywhere, which was becoming increasingly frustrating. I looked back at the messages, wishing I could talk to Rupert (my best friend) about everything. He'd be sure to laugh at my ridiculous notions.

"This is incredible, and you just have to touch it?" Merlin's voice startled me, I had been entirely lost in thought. I nodded in answer to his question and handed him the phone. He'd helped me a lot, I figured the least I could do is let him have a go. I laughed as he used the phone like my grandparents did, using his forefinger and pressing the screen with force. He clicked on some of my music, accidentally making it play. His face lit up as sounds started coming out of my phone. "What is this?"

I chuckled as I reached over to take my phone back and stop the music. "Phones aren't just for messaging people. They store music, and photos, and games, all sorts of things really." I smiled at his shocked expression., it was clear he didn't really understand what I was talking about. I'd never really taken a moment to marvel at how far technology had come, seeing Merlin's reaction put a lot of things into perspective. "We should probably get back to Gaius." He nodded, seeming a tad upset that he couldn't spend longer on my phone. I recognised that I'd have to save my battery, and I still had to show Gaius so he'd believe me.

"You might want to change into a dress now, it will look less strange." I nodded, and looked around. The room was small, there was nowhere private that I could get dressed.

"Would you mind turning around?" Merlin blushed as he realised the situation and immediately faced the wall. I started to undress, trying not to think about how awkward this felt.

"You... Erm... You never said who was chasing you." He said as I started to put on the dress. It was a pale pink, and as much as I despised dresses I had to admit it was rather pretty.

"I don't know his name. He seemed like a dick, I had to steal my phone off him. He had like blonde hair, I think he was wearing chain mail."

"What?" Merlin turned around suddenly before I'd finished putting on my dress. I shrieked in surprise and he blushed deeply and quickly faced the wall again, stuttering out some form of apology.

"What the fuck Merlin?"

"I'm so sorry, I thought you were talking about Arthur-"

My face dropped. "As in Prince Arthur?"

"Yes."

"Oh shit. Merlin can you get executed for leading on a Prince? You can turn around now by the way, I need your help tying up my dress at the back." He turned around and got to work on tightening my dress.

"Leading him on?" I blushed, glad my back was to him so he couldn't see how embarrassed I was.

"I may have attempted to kiss him- but it was just to distract him so I could get my phone. I didn't realise he was anyone important. Oh God am I going to get in trouble?" Merlin burst out in laughter. I turned to look at him sternly, not impressed by how amused he was by my panic. "Hey, don't laugh at me!"

"No, no, it's not you," he said between laughs, "it's just I'm thinking of Arthur kissing you, it seems ridiculous." I frowned at him and he noticed my discomfort. He forced himself to stop laughing and attempted to look serious. "Not that him wanting to kiss you is ridiculous. You're very kissable. I mean not to me, I'm not saying I want to kiss you. That doesn't mean you're not pretty, you're very...erm...pleasant looking?"

This time it was my turn to laugh, seeing him stumble over his words was hilarious. "Merlin, it's ok. I know what you mean. Come on, we better get back, Gaius will be wondering where we are."


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin had insisted that I take his bed, which I was not at all comfortable with. He was sleeping on the floor near Gaius, I couldn't imagine it being particularly comfortable. I tried to distract myself from the guilt by processing the day's events. It still didn't feel real, I doubted it ever would, I still prayed it was a dream. When Merlin and I had returned I showed Gaius my phone and he had believed me in an instant, he seemed much more concerned with the mechanics of it than Merlin was but that was unsurprising. From what little I knew of them I got the impression that Gaius was very wise and Merlin...well he was definitely less so. They had bombarded me with questions about the future and how I had got here, but quickly sensed my pain so stopped. Although Merlin still asked the odd question as we ate dinner, mainly about magic. He refused to believe that magic didn't exist, convinced that magic users had gone into hiding. He seemed genuinely distraught at the idea, but then I supposed that if someone told me that in a thousand years Muslims didn't exist I would probably be pretty heartbroken too. Gaius and I had bonded over our shared love of medicine, I told him that I studied it at university and we had an in depth discussion about medical advancements and the similarities to his current practices. Whereas at university I hated pharmacology, hearing him speak about the way he made his various medications was thrilling to me. We swiftly reached the agreement that I would be his apprentice (I would certainly do a better job than Merlin). It meant that I would be allowed my own room as well, which Gaius promised he would speak to Uther about tomorrow. Merlin was forced to change my bandages as Gaius and I sorted out the logistics, his immense boredom was extremely amusing to me. Morgana had come to see me in the evening and was pleasantly surprised to discover my plans for staying in Camelot. We sat and talked for a while. She probed me further on what had happened that led to me being chased, why I had been dressed so oddly, and what it was like back home. Lying to her pained me, but I recognised it was necessary. I hoped the day would come where I could tell her the truth, I felt such a strong connection with her and she struck me as incredibly kind. Eventually we had to say goodnight to each other though, and so now I was attempting to sleep in the room where it all started.

I tried to ignore the tears that had started to roll down my cheeks. I missed home incredibly, I just wanted to curl up in my own bed with a cup of tea and chat to Rupert. He was my rock, the only person who I felt solid with. He was the first person I came out too, the person I trusted with my entire heart and soul. I would tell him everything, and I missed his sarcastic commentary on my life. He'd have a field day with this. He would definitely mock me endlessly for wearing that ridiculous dress. And for finding literally every human gorgeous. I'd broken up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. It was very much mutual and could not have been more pleasant, but I was still mourning the connection we had, even though it leaned more towards platonic than romantic. Rupert often said I fell in love differently than everyone else. I would fall so completely and so easily, without even the slightest hesitation. It would blind me entirely, I became utterly oblivious to the reality of the situation. He made me realise it was the result of an absent family, I now clung to any hint of affection. I would love to have him here, he could give me a serious telling off and let me know that the reason I found everyone so gorgeous was because I was terrified of being alone. Which I now was. As lovely as Merlin, Gaius and Morgana had been, they were strangers to me. I appreciated everything they had done, but it didn't stop the ache of despair. I felt completely hollow, as if my essence had been scooped out of me. I choked back sobs and tried to force myself to sleep. Eventually I exhausted myself from crying and drifted off into a painful sleep.

* * *

Merlin woke me the next morning by shaking me violently. I threw my pillow at him but in my sleep-deprived state my aim was completely off causing him to laugh mercilessly at me. I groaned in annoyance and buried my head under the covers,

"Go away and let me sleep, you're such a dick." He threw the pillow back at me, hitting me on the head. I huffed in annoyance as I got out of bed. "Will you fuck off now?"

"Now that's not a very nice way to treat the guy who gave you his bed..." he trailed off as he realised I was only wearing my hoodie which, unluckily for me, barely covered anything. He blushed as I glared at him to get out. "Alright I am going to fuck off now, but Gaius wants you to know he needs you to be ready to see King Uther in ten minutes."

"What?" I screeched. "There is no way I'm gonna be ready in ten minutes!" But Merlin had already ran out of the room. I quickly tried to make myself presentable. I threw a dress on, and tried to brush my hair with my fingers. I didn't have a mirror but I felt like I looked ridiculous. I stormed out of my room ready to murder Merlin for waking me up so late. He laughed as I entered the room.

"What is going on with your hair?" I pulled a face and stuffed some bread in my mouth, very aware of how little time I had before seeing the King.

"Shut up I didn't have time to do anything to it." He smiled widely at me and my annoyance grew. This was entirely his fault, I didn't even have time to shower.

"Sit down, I'll fix it for you." I looked at him like he'd grown a second head.

"And what exactly would you know about doing hair, Merlin?" He placed his hands on my shoulders and semi-forced me to sit down. He muttered something and I felt my hair move of it's own accord. I screamed, immediately standing up and reaching my hands to my head as a way to figure out what had happened. My hair felt...soft, and like it had been braided. "What did you do?"

"It's just a spell, I used to help my mother with her hair." I was in awe. This was the first time I had seen magic, it was incredible. I felt so overwhelmed, both at the fact that something as crazy as magic existed and that Merlin had been kind enough to use his to help me.

"Thank you, it's amazing." He smiled brightly at me and I enthusiastically returned it. There was more that I wanted to say but couldn't verbalise. That he was so incredibly talented, and that the crime was not his magic but the fact that it could not be celebrated. I could not imagine how difficult it must be to work for the Prince and have to keep such a large part of his identity a secret. I could relate somewhat as being closeted for most of my life had also been draining, but luckily I had never faced death for my sexuality, although I recognised that this was a reality many people faced. I was still unsure as to whether or not homosexuality was a crime in Camelot, but I was hesitant to find out.

"Ready to go?" Gaius' voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I nodded and followed him to the throne room, still disappointed that I hadn't said more to Merlin. Gaius paused outside the door, he appeared concerned.

"I shall do most of the talking, Uther should accept what I propose...but in case he does not know that you are always welcome to come by. I do enjoy your company." I smiled widely at him and pulled him into a hug, despite having known him for only a day we had bonded so much. He felt more like a father than my own.

"Thank you Gaius, I really appreciate that." We shared a smile before he pushed the doors open and we walked in. I tried to exude as much confidence as possible, praying that Uther would agree to let me stay. Staying with Merlin and Gaius was the only place I felt safe. Morgana was the first person I saw when I walked in, and she gave a small nod as a means of recognition, which gave me butterflies. I was once again struck with how beautiful she was. I let my eyes roam the room and saw Uther sat on the throne and next to him...I quickly looked away and avoided his eyes. It seemed it was in fact Prince Arthur who I bumped into yesterday, I forced my eyes to the floor. At this particular moment I wouldn't have minded if the world had decided to swallow me up. I noticed Gaius had bowed so I clumsily curtsied as well.

"Your Highness, this is Tasneem, I wish to make her my new apprentice. She has great interest in healing and I believe she will be an excellent replacement for me when the time comes." The kind compliment made it impossible to hide my grin, I looked up at Uther expectantly.

"You have good judgement Gaius, I will approve this." I smiled even wider and looked over to Morgana whose smile seemed to match mine.

"May I request that she have her own room? I'm sure that you understand that she cannot share my chambers Your Highness." Uther nodded, seeming to be in thought.

"There is a room near me," My eyes were drawn to Morgana as she spoke, trying to settle down my nerves at the thought of living close to her, "it should be appropriate."

"Yes, that will do. Does that settle everything Gaius?" His professional nod cemented my fate. I was struggling to contain my excitement as we left the room. The moment the doors closed behind us I screamed and hugged Gaius. He seemed shocked by my actions as he tentatively returned the hug.

"Thank you Gaius, it means a lot that you did that for me. I know I have not been here long but I'm really glad I've met you. I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't taken me under your wing." His small smile was enough for me to know that he appreciated what I had said. I was shown into my new room and moved what few possessions I had (basically just the dresses and some other bits and bobs Gaius had given me for day to day life) into it. I was resting in my bed when I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it may be Morgana I rushed to answer it. If only I could have been so lucky.

"I believe you have something that belongs to me." I blushed as Prince Arthur looked down on me. I fought the urge to close the door and pretend I'd never seen him. I straightened my shoulders as a means of pseudo-confidence and proceeded to try and pretend that I wasn't an embarrassed disaster.

"It was never yours, you just had it momentarily." His smirk gave me a mini meltdown and I tried to remain cool.

"I was not referring to that." My cheeks turned tomato red as I realised he meant the kiss.I avoided his eyes, conscious of the fact that I may end up lost in them.

"Well considering it wasn't yours to trade with I reckon the trade off doesn't count." His scoff caused me to meet his eyes and I immediately regretted it. His eyes were so pretty. Damn it. "I'm sorry I have to go someone's calling me."

"Wha-" I slammed the door and locked it, rushing to the other side of the room as a weird attempt to distance myself from the situation. He knocked on the door again, this time I definitely didn't answer. "I know you are the only one in there." I remained quiet hoping that he'd think I somehow just disappeared. He knocked a few more times but eventually I heard him leave. I breathed a sigh of relief and flopped down onto my bed. I hoped that was the last time I ever saw him, although considering I was going to be stuck in this castle for the foreseeable future that seemed unlikely. I decided it would be best to distract myself by helping Gaius so left to see if I could assist in any way.

Gaius didn't seem to be around when I arrived, but Merlin was there polishing what I presumed were Arthur's boots. I flopped down next to him, "So I bumped into Arthur." I could tell he was intrigued to find out what happened, "Turns out you were right, it was him I almost kissed. He seems to be under the impression I still owe him one." Merlin snorted at that, I was glad to be joking about this with him.

"Yes well he is a prat so that does not surprise me." We laughed together, it felt nice to not have my head so caught up with missing home. I noticed I felt a bit lighter when I was around him.

"I wanted to say a proper thank you for before," he looked over at me quizzically, "don't get me wrong you're still a dick for waking me up late," I rolled my eyes at his cheeky grin, "but it was kind of you to help me with my hair. I can't imagine what you go through, and allowing me the privilege of seeing that side of you means a lot." Merlin appeared to have frozen in front of me. I bit my lip anxiously, scared I had said something wrong. I knew very little about magic and I didn't want to have accidentally insulted him.

"No one has described it as a privilege before," the softness of his voice broke my heart. The pain in his face was clear, in that moment I could see his daily internal struggle. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it gently.

"It most definitely is a privilege. I admit I don't know much about what you can do, but from the myths I know you're incredibly talented. No pressure, of course. But it genuinely amazes me that you have such a unique skill. It's wonderful, really. And I hope one day you'll be free to show Arthur, and the world, how amazing you really are." His eyes were unreadable, but he seemed mildly distressed. I hoped that I hadn't crossed a line by being so open when we were practically strangers. I had a tendency to be too intense, and if I had ruined our relationship by forgetting the boundaries I would be forever saddened.

"Thank you." I could barely hear it as his voice was so low. I pulled him into a hug, which was awkward seeing as we were sat next to each other, but I felt it necessary. We held on to each other tightly for a moment before being interrupted.

"Merlin, where are you?" We jumped apart at Arthur's voice. There was something unreadable in his face as his eyes found us. I was sure he had seen us hugging and averted my eyes to the floor. I was not usually this timid, but I was terrified that if I got on his bad side I'd be in trouble. And I had no idea how to appropriately act in front of a royal.

"I'm coming." Merlin quickly got up, shooting me a smile before he left. I felt Arthur's eyes on me the entire time but kept my eyes stuck to Merlin, waving him goodbye as he left. I was glad when they both left and started reading a book on the different medicinal uses for flowers as I waited for Gaius.


	4. Chapter 4

I settled into a steady rhythm over the next few weeks. I'd spend the majority of time collaborating with Gaius, with our shared experiences we usually found solutions. I certainly enjoyed it more than I had back home, I quickly was introduced to a significant proportion of Camelot and enjoyed getting to know everyone. Gaius also taught me how to make some of his medicines, and while I found it tricky to remember what everything was I was slowly getting the hang of it. Whenever I had a break I would seek out Merlin, occasionally helping with some of the tasks Arthur had given him. Spending time with him was the best part of my day, we'd joke together (mainly about Arthur being a dick) and I'd tell him stories about the future and my life. Sometimes he'd showme some of his magic, and I usually managed to convince him to do my hair in all sorts of wacky styles. Arthur once walked in on us joking after he'd put my hair in a faux mohawk, it was one of the more entertaining days I'd had. Arthur had noticed the growing closeness between Merlin and I, thankfully that meant we didn't interact much. I felt like myself around Merlin, and he quickly became a close friend to me. Some evenings I would see Morgana, she was usually very busy so I tried not to disturb her too much. We shared a deep connection, often talking about our insecurities and inner conflicts. I found it odd to have formed such an intense relationship with her so quickly, but our openness with each other was refreshing. She even told me that she had overheard that Uther was her father, the news was certainly shocking and she was having difficulty processing the news. She confided that she'd thought about killing him, and had been part of a plan to do so, her guilt was painful to see. I tried to comfort her as best as I could, but it was clear the situation weighed on her greatly. I wished I could be more honest with her about who I was seeing as she had been so truthful with me, but the dangers were too high. We still appreciated each other's company, and I tried to ignore my growing feelings for her as I valued our friendship. It was nice to have formed such strong connections during my short stay, it lessened my home sickness significantly. I still thought about those I loved a lot, but gradually I started accepting that this was to be my life. That was until a walk in the woods with Merlin gave me hope.

"Do you want to go back home?" Merlin's question shocked me, I had been trying to think positively of the future and forget my life back home.

"Of course, it's my home." Even though I frequently talked about the future to Merlin very little of it concerned my personal life. It was too painful and whenever I tried I tended to become withdrawn. "There's a lot of people I love there. Plus it'd be nice to get back and watch some of my favourite shows." My attempt to lighten the mood only made him frown. I sensed his frustration that I struggled to open up to him in the same way that I had with Morgana. He had seen us talking a few times and noted that our conversations were far more serious and emotional, perhaps he wanted to know that side of me.

"I think it was magic that brought you here. And if that is the case then perhaps it could take you back...if that is what you want." I attempted not to overreact, Merlin was talented but this surely was too much for him and I did not want him to be responsible for my fate. I had such certainty that I was never going to go home, his suggestion that it might be possible was threatening what little emotional stability I had worked towards over the past few weeks.

"Merlin, I would love to go back, it's probably the only thing I want. But I wouldn't want to give you an impossible task." There was a disappointment in his eyes.

"I think I could do it." I placed my hand on his arm to reassure him.

"It's not that I doubt that you could, Merlin. If anyone could it would be you but it's just..."

"Tasneem, I understand." I appreciated him giving me the opportunity to end the conversation when he sensed my hesitation. But in that moment I wanted to open up to him. His friendship meant a lot to me, he deserved for me to honest with him.

"You don't. I can't go through the rest of my life here hoping I can get back home. It's too painful. I miss it so much, I'm constantly mourning the people I lost, and the person I was." My throat ached as I tried to hold back my tears, this was the first time I'd opened up to anyone about the emotional turmoil I was going through.

"The person you were?" I recognised this as my opportunity to come out to Merlin, but I was terrified he would reject me. I hated being vulnerable like this. I knew I could trust him, but part of me believed that he would be disgusted by my just like my family had.

"I feel like being here I've lost my voice. I was a lot more confident back home, I was proud of my identity. I struggled a lot growing up, my family was very strict and I could never be myself. I always felt ashamed...of my body, of how I acted, of who I was. It took me a long time to accept my identity and get to the point where looking in the mirror didn't disgust me. And being here...it's like I'm in the closet all over again. Merlin...I'm bisexual...as in I like men and women. And back home I was free to say that and be happy and proud, and here it feels like it's something to be ashamed of again. And I know that it's not as difficult as having to hide your magic but-"

Merlin pulled me into a strong hug. I allowed myself to feel safe in his arms, glad to be accepted by him.

"I am sorry if you felt like you had to hide from me. I have been hiding my whole life, I know it's hard." He pulled away, giving me a small smile. In that moment I had the overwhelming urge to kiss him. My small crush had suddenly grown to one of gigantic proportions. It was all too much, he was too close, too kind. I desperately wanted to be near him but knew that that was not wise. I took a step back and tried to get control of my emotions again.

"Thank you Merlin." I fiddled with the sleeves of my dress hoping it would distract me from how attractive I found him.

"We should be getting back, I still have to clean Arthur's armour before we go find the Questing Beast." He started walking back towards the castle, I was glad for the change of topic.

"Surely one day he'll run out of things for you to do."

"I doubt it, he seems intent on making sure I'm always busy ever since a certain someone arrived," I snorted, he always joked that Arthur had a crush on me but I found the idea completely ludicrous. Arthur didn't even know me, "he asks about you, he seems to want to know everything about you." I rolled my eyes at that.

"You're being ridiculous."

"I am not. Seriously, I don't think anyone has ever rejected him before. He has it bad for you." Even though I knew Merlin was one the greatest sorcerers in history at times I was definitely convinced he had at best three working brain cells. "But then you have it bad for Morgana so it would never work." My jaw dropped, I had no idea he knew.

"That's not true." But my blushing betrayed me, his merciless laugh was not amusing in the slightest.

"I think you would be a cute couple, certainly cuter than you and Arthur." I hit him on his arm playfully. Unfortunately, it took Merlin by surprise and he ended up sipping and falling into the stream we were walking by.

"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" His grumpy expression made me laugh, he slipped as he tried to get up and soon I was doubled over from laughter, tears streaming from my eyes.

"You won't be laughing in a minute." He attempted to splash some water on me but I skilfully dodged him, sticking my tongue out at him in celebration. However, that did not deter him and he ran out of the stream attempting to hug me and get me soaked. I shrieked as he came towards me and ran as fast as I could back to the castle. Thankfully, the weight of his wet clothes slowed him down and I managed to outrun him. We laughed as I darted in different directions whilst trying to avoid him. Eventually we made it back to the castle. I was out of breath from running so far, I looked wearily around me convinced that I had lost him. Suddenly someone grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into a room. I screamed before realising it was Merlin. He had his arms wrapped tightly around me and wouldn't let me go despite my struggles.

"Ok, ok you win. Oh God I'm soaked." He laughed evilly and I glared at him, but soon enough I was laughing along with him. I let myself relax in his arms, well as relaxed as I could be. My heart was beating fast at being so close to him, but I tried to enjoy the feeling. "This is just like the first day we met."

"Hopefully you're not scared of me this time." I snorted at the idea of finding Merlin scary, he was honestly the least fear-inducing person I'd ever met.

"Merlin, you're many things but scary isn't one of them."

"Pfft. Then what am I?" I met his eyes. My heart was beating like crazy. I suddenly felt very hot, I was sure I must have been blushing.

"You're kind, and funny, and...I think you're amazing." I was very aware of how close we were, and how much I felt like kissing him. Suddenly the door opened and we jumped apart.

"Merlin, what _are_ you doing?" Arthur looked suspiciously at the two of us.

"It's not what it looks like-" I started before being interrupted.

"We're leaving in half an hour, you need to put my armour on." Merlin appeared flustered and I kicked myself for letting this happen.

"Yes, I'll get right to that."

"Good." Arthur looked over at me before leaving.

"Right so I should probably go get his armour." Merlin started to leave, avoiding my eyes.

"Yeah, erm, good idea, I'm just gonna-" The door closed behind him and I sighed in frustration. I'd obviously made things awkward, I was such an idiot.


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur was dying and Merlin had completely disappeared. No one could tell me where he was. It meant that I didn't have to deal with any awkwardness between us, but I also missed him greatly. Gaius had given me the role of caring for the general population of Camelot, it was a job we usually shared and I was drowning in the workload. There had been an outbreak of a disease and I couldn't figure out what it was, it was mainly affecting the younger children. During times like that I wished I was in the future, it was extremely difficult to diagnose without being able to run the simple tests I had grown used to. I spent the next few days outside of the castle and in the city. I only popped back to the castle for medications when I absolutely needed to so was rather unaware of the events that were happening. I knew Arthur had woken at some point, and that Merlin's mother had fallen ill soon after he had reappeared. As cruel as it was, I simply didn't have time to be fully invested in what was happening, I knew she was in safe hands with Gaius and all I cared about was making sure the children were alright. It pained me greatly but unfortunately I couldn't save them all, with each parent I had to tell my heart broke a little more. This was by far the worst part of the job. However, eventually I got it to the point where the disease had stopped spreading and the children were recovering, only then did I allow myself to return to the castle.

I let out an exhausted sigh as I fell back into my bed. I thought life here would be slower, but I found myself busier than I had ever been at home. It meant I had little time to remember my previous life, which was comforting but also terrifying. I didn't ever want to forget the people I loved and having them in my mind less made it feel like I was losing them. I knew they would be proud of me and how far I had come. In these few weeks in Camelot I had learnt so much about myself as a person. I didn't realise my strength, and my capacity for love. I had gotten so used to my routine back home, always with the same people, doing the same things. Here I was truly out of my comfort zone and frankly I was thriving. In terms of medicine at least. I was aware that by working so hard I had completely pulled away from Gaius, Merlin and Morgana. I regretted not being there to support them. Arthur's recovery had meant that Morgana was no longer catatonic, but from what I could tell she was still clearly in pain. And Merlin must be struggling to cope with his mother's illness, I wasn't aware of what was wrong with her but Gaius had told me it could be life-threatening. I allowed myself to sleep, determined to rectify things with Merlin and Morgana the next day.

I awoke to a loud knocking on my door. I groggily forced myself out of bed, unhappy that my sleep had been interrupted. Gwen was at my door looking rather stressed. We were friendly with each other due to my frequent visits to Morgana, but we had never truly spoken so seeing her at my door was most definitely odd.

"Is everything alright?" She looked nervous, I worried something had happened to Morgana.

"Since Arthur has woken and Morgana...Well I've not been there for her much these past few days. Gaius needed my help with Arthur, but now he is improving and I feel I must focus on Morgana. But I can't find Gaius anywhere and Arthur is still unwell." I noticed what she was getting at.

"Don't worry Gwen, I'll take care of Arthur until Gaius shows up. Now go to Morgana, I'm sure she'll be wanting breakfast." We shared a warm smile before I closed the door and got ready to see Arthur. We hadn't spoken much other than the odd time he walked in on Merlin and I hanging out. Merlin's words from the other day were still in my mind, I refused to believe he had any form of crush on me. He didn't know me at all, and he was a Prince so he would surely have his bar a lot higher. I entered his chambers, he was sat up on his bed looking rather grumpy.

"Finally! I'm starving, where's my food?" I chuckled at his whines, even after such a close encounter with death he was still the same Arthur. I had suspected he wouldn't have had breakfast and so bad brought some food with me. I handed the plate over to him and he hurriedly got to work devouring it. I watched as he ate, he had some difficulty moving his arm but I suspected that to be from the bite.

"I'm going to be watching you for a while, Gaius has some other work to do."

"What about Merlin?" I was unsure how to answer that, I hadn't seen him in a few days.

"If I knew where he was I'd get him for you." Arthur scoffed.

"I bet he's in the tavern." I couldn't stop myself from chuckling. "I'm surprised you don't know where he is." I frowned at him

"Why is that?" He shifted uncomfortably.

"Well, generally when you're courting someone you tend to have an idea of what they're doing." My jaw dropped in shock. Merlin and I were close friends, but there was no way he shared the feelings I had for him.

"Merlin and I are just friends." Arthur seemed confused.

"Oh. But I thought, well before we left, I thought I saw you-"

"We were _hugging_. Like friends do," I couldn't help but notice the small smile on his face.

"So you're not seeing anyone?" I paused, uncertain of how to answer the question. It felt entirely too personal for someone I barely knew.

"Gaius keeps me busy, I wouldn't have the time. Anyways, you should get some rest."

"I only just woke up!" At times Arthur reminded me of a child, he really never stopped whining. Honestly, I didn't know how Merlin put up with him sometimes.

"You also almost died, so if you want to get better I'd advise you listen to me." He rolled his eyes at me.

"I'm honestly fine." The relaxed look on his face irked me. Did he not know how hard Gaius had worked to keep him from dying? Did he not know how much pain everyone had been through? And now to act as if everything was ok, it was like a punch in the gut.

"You are not fine, it's a miracle you're alive. And I'm not going to be the one who lets you get worse because you are too stubborn to rest." I could sense his annoyance.

"It is not your responsibility-"

"Yes it is. It is my job to make sure you don't fucking die. And I take it seriously. And you are going to listen to me because I've been through too much shit to deal with you acting like a petulant child right now." I quickly shut my mouth. I had taken my frustrations at myself and my insecurities about my skills out on him. I prayed he didn't send me to the dungeons for my rudeness. He was staring at me but I couldn't meet his eyes.

"You are completely different to anyone I have ever met." I nibbled at my lip anxiously. He didn't sound angry, maybe slightly stunned.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to act so rudely. It's been a rough few days I shouldn't have projected that onto you."

"What's happened?" He seemed sincere and I appreciated that.

"There was some form of outbreak whilst you were ill...I couldn't save all of the children, and I guess it's been weighing on me. I know I did everything I could but...I still feel like I've failed." His knowing look calmed me somewhat.

"I understand. When my men and I are fighting and we lose someone I often feel the same...I am their leader, I will one day be their King. I know their blood is on my hands. I find guilt isn't rational, it makes you question everything, but you can use it to remind you to do a bit better next time. That is all you have control over." I stared at him intently, his answer had surprised me. I knew Merlin believed he would be a great king but this was the first time I had witnessed this side of Arthur.

"Thank you. I'm sorry again." He gave me a small smile as a means of accepting my apology. I was glad he could see my sincerity.

"I should apologise as well. When we first met... I didn't act appropriately, I am sorry for my behaviour." I smiled warmly at him, he was far more mature than I'd given him credit for. "Anyways, I will rest now. Thank you for your care, I do appreciate it." He lay himself down in the bed and covered himself with the sheets. I went to sit down on a nearby chair as he continued to make himself comfortable. "Are you staying?"

"I have to."

"I can't sleep with someone watching me." His slight sulk caused a chuckle to slip out of me.

"Well unless you want to risk dying in your sleep, it would be a rather boring way to go." He rolled his eyes as he buried himself deeper in the covers. Soon enough he was lightly snoring. I kept myself busy as he slept, reading up on some more out there treatments for various ailments. Apparently toads eyes were an excellent cure for urinary incontinence, I somehow struggled to believe this. Gwen eventually returned, thankfully she said she would continue looking after Arthur for me. I instructed her to make sure he didn't leave his bed. Then I left to seek out Gaius and Merlin, I had barely seen them over the past few days and missed them greatly. But I could not find them anywhere.

I knocked on Merlin's door. There was no answer, but I thought I'd heard some movement. I opened the door tentatively, hoping I wasn't intruding. There I saw who I presumed was Merlin's mother, Gaius had told me she had arrived in Camelot but I hadn't has the time to meet her. She looked dreadful, there were boils on her face and seemed to be struggling to breathe. I could not believe Merlin had left her alone like this. I rushed to her side. Thankfully, her pulse was steady although she was running a high fever. I hurriedly soaked some cloths in cold water and placed them on her in an attempt to lower her temperature. Merlin better have a good reason for allowing Hunith to be by herself. I stayed with her for the next few hours. She was slightly conscious and could respond somewhat when I spoke to her, but she was definitely confused most of the time. Out of nowhere she suddenly started to improve, I could see a faint golden glow radiating around her. The boils started to lessen, her breathing less laboured, her fever disappeared. There was no doubt in my mind this was magic. Perhaps that was why Merlin had disappeared. Hunith's eyes slowly opened, she was starting to become fully conscious.

"Hunith, can you hear me?" She nodded her head slightly. "I'm Tasneem. You were very ill, but you're getting better now."

"Merlin?" She croaked out, her voice hoarse from dehydration.

"He went to get help." I answered as I went to get water. Of course I wasn't sure if my answer was true, but I would not have Hunith believe that Merlin had left her for no reason. "Don't worry, he will return soon." I held the glass of water to her lips to help her drink.

"Thank you." She spoke much clearer this time. "So you're Tasneem, Merlin has written to me a lot about you." I blushed at that, I had no idea Hunith knew I even existed. "I am glad he has found a friend like you."

"I'm just glad he's in my life, he means a lot to me. Moving to Camelot was difficult, he's definitely made it enjoyable. I think I'd be lost without him." I tried not to make it apparent, but from Hunith's knowing look I feared she suspected my romantic feelings towards him.

"I think you have been a good influence on him. He seems happier when he writes to me, I am sure you mean a lot to him." From the heat in my cheeks I knew that my blush had deepened. I couldn't help but think of how close we had been when I last saw him, I so badly wanted to be in his arms again. I knew we were just joking around of course, he most likely interpreted it as purely platonic. It was just a crush and I was being silly, I wasn't willing to risk my friendship with him just because my feelings couldn't control themselves. I attempted to change the topic, talking about this was incredibly distracting.

"So I'd love to hear any embarrassing stories you have about Merlin. I need new things to tease him about." Hunith laughed heartily and proceeded to share some of Merlin's childhood stories, he seemed like quite the troublemaker.

* * *

_So this isn't part of the story I'm just doing a little author's note. I didn't really expect anyone to read this story, it was more a form of therapy for me. I dunno it's just like a safe way of dealing with some of my stuff through a character who is a bit like me but who is fundamentally separate. So I do sincerely appreciate the reviews, they are incredibly kind. I don't really proofread these, I just bang them out and upload them like straight away. So to hear that my little brain rambles can be entertaining is a big confidence boost. Also thank you to anyone who has followed and favourited. I am still just writing this for me, but it's nice to know that there's some people along for the journey._


	6. Chapter 6

_So it's been quite a while, my exams are finally done so I've started writing again, although I'm still on placement for a few weeks so I'm still way too busy lol. A bit of a trigger warning, there's a dissociative episode near the end of the chapter based on my personal experience. It's not essential to the plot I just found it therapeutic to write. _

* * *

Merlin ran into the room, rushing to his mother's side and hugging her tightly. Thankfully, Hunith had completely recovered. I had stayed with her until Gaius and Merlin had returned, she was excellent company and entertained me endlessly with embarrassing stories of Merlin. Seeing the two of them hugging should have caused my heart to swell with joy, instead I felt a pang of despair. I missed my friends and family so much, I would never get to hug them like this again. If they were to be on their deathbed I would not be there to support them. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes so I snuck out of the room determined not to ruin their heartfelt moment. I tried to take deep breaths as I hurried to my room, but nothing could stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. As I reached my room I felt a hand on my arm, my eyes met Gwen's and the concern I saw only made me sob harder. I felt so incredibly vulnerable; the last thing I wanted was someone to see me like this. I rushed into my room but she followed me, closing the door gently behind her. I forced myself to not look at her as I crawled under the covers of my bed and buried my face in a pillow. I hoped that by ignoring her she would get the message and leave, unfortunately that was not the case. I felt a shift in the bed beside me, soon after her hand was rubbing circles on my back. I appreciated her silence; it made me feel safe to know that she was here and did not expect anything from me. After a few moments I had calmed down enough that I felt comfortable sitting up, the occasional sob still escaped but I felt a lot more in control.

"Thank you, I'm sorry you had to see that." My voice was hoarse from my sobs and my eyes were starting to burn from the tears, but I desperately wanted Gwen to know my appreciation.

"You don't need to apologise, I didn't want you to be alone," hearing her kind words caused hot tears to run down my cheeks again. I wished I had spent more time getting to know Gwen, she was so incredibly sincere. In a moment that I had felt impossibly isolated she had chosen to stay with me, I would forever appreciate her compassion. "Would you like to talk about what's happened?"

I knew I could not tell Gwen what was truly on my mind, but I felt like I was going to burst from the pressure of everything that was weighing on me. "Merlin's mother has got better and… It's so awful of me to say this but seeing them together just broke my heart. All the people I loved before Camelot are gone; I can't ever reunite with them. And I know this is meant to be my new home but it just feels like I don't really belong. And I… It's all so much. There was an outbreak in the lower town; so many children died Gwen…So many. And I couldn't save them. It just feels like I'm not good enough. And there's no one I can talk to, no one understands. I was really struggling and no one was here, Merlin had disappeared, Gaius was impossibly busy, Morgana was suffering... and I was all alone. It feels like it's going to be like that forever. It just hurts so much. I want to go back to how everything was before Camelot."

"I can understand how you're feeling. Ever since Uther executed my father…Well I've felt much the same. It's painful to see people happy with their loved ones; I can't help but feel angry at them. I know they cannot help that they are loved, that doesn't stop the pain. I know loneliness well too. I cannot stay home for long without feeling like I may just crumble. I keep expecting him to walk through the door, it breaks my heart to know he never will again. You are not alone in this Tasneem, you can talk to me anytime. I know we are not the closest of friends, but if you ever need someone to talk to, or someone who understands loss, please come to me." I grasped her hand tightly, it shook slightly from the pain of her words.

"Thank you so much Gwen, if you ever feel like you need to talk as well, I'm here. Now how about we go to the kitchen and steal some cake? I think we both need something sweet." I wiped the tears from my eyes as we shared a small smile and I vowed to get to know her better, I hoped we would become close friends.

* * *

Late that night, after Gwen and I had gotten in some trouble for nabbing some snacks, I went to see Morgana. Gwen had said that she had been improving which I found reassuring. We sat opposite each other in silence, Morgana tapped her fingers meaninglessly on the table as she stared into space.

"Please talk to me, you're clearly not ok," her disinterested expression pained me, "I apologise for not coming to see you sooner." Her eyes became hard at that. "It was wrong of me; I should have made time for you. You mean so much to me. I would not intentionally hurt you" I longed for her to see my sincerity.

"You did hurt me though. You weren't here." I reached to take her hand but she pulled it away from me. "Leave now." Her tone shocked me. I was unused to this side of her.

"Morgana please, let me make it up to you." She turned and walked to the door, holding it open and signalling for me to leave. I sighed in resignation and did as she asked. "I will make things better between us Morgana, I swear it." I took the door closing swiftly behind me as her response.

* * *

I decided to have a lie in; although I probably did not deserve it I felt it was necessary. The weight of the past few weeks seemed somewhat lifted, although my damaged relationship with Morgana still troubled me greatly. It was late afternoon by the time I saw Gaius. We had not properly seen each other since Arthur had fallen ill and thus I felt myself grow awkward being around him. I was aware my current emotional exhaustion was causing my growing social anxiety but I had no idea how to rectify it. I had been on antidepressants back home but without them I was really beginning to struggle to be functional. I stood in the doorway for a moment, unsure how to proceed. Unfortunately I stood for a moment too long, a strong force shoved me forwards causing me stumble into the closest bench. I twisted around to snap at the person who had barrelled into me but my words got stuck in my throat as my eyes met Merlin's. I definitely was not emotionally prepared to see him right now. He froze for a moment before quickly walking over to Gaius and asking for some pain medication (presumably for Arthur) then swiftly leaving; he did not look at me once. I tried not to be hurt at his actions, perhaps he was just in a rush, but it still felt like our relationship had been impossibly damaged.

"Is everything alright between you and Merlin?" I jumped at Gaius's question, unsure how to answer. I busied myself with cleaning some of the storage jars as I attempted to think of an answer.

"I truly don't know. I have not seen him since before he left to find the Questing Beast with Arthur." Gaius' frown concerned me.

"Not even when Hunith was ill?" I bristled at that.

"You seem to forget I was incredibly busy when that was happening." Honestly, it was becoming painful to hear from both Morgana and Gaius that I had failed in my duties as a friend by not being there. I was extremely aware that Merlin and Morgana went through something traumatic, but I was not an endlessly flowing fountain of compassion, I was barely holding myself together at the time, how was I also meant to emotionally support them as well?

"Still, you could have made some time-"

"Gaius, stop. I am aware you think I could have seen Merlin. I am telling you I couldn't. Let's leave it at that." Gaius appeared uneasy by what I had said but I had no desire to continue the conversation. We continued the rest of the day's work in silence. Every time I looked over at Gaius a wave of despair washed over me, we were once so close and now I struggled to say even a few words to him. I did not want to push him away, he was my mentor and he meant a lot to me. But I felt I could not open up to him, I still wasn't sure how to verbalise my depression. Of course he was a medical professional and I knew he would not judge me, but an irrational part of my brain felt he would think I was weak for feeling the way I did.

Gaius began to light the candles in the workroom as night descended, I sensed he might ask me to stay for dinner but I couldn't fathom being in a room with him and Merlin so I left before he had the chance, I longed for the stillness of my room. And that's where I stayed. My mind refused to be still for even a moment so I didn't even try to sleep. I thought the peace of my room would calm me but I was so wrong. The silence was suffocating, I felt as lonely as I had the first night I arrived in Camelot. The misery swallowed me up and I could do nothing to stop it.

_start of dissociation_

I screamed. And I kept screaming. And I sobbed. I choked on the tears. I punched the walls. I threw my clothes out of the wardrobe. I tore at my them, keeping only my stupid neon pyjamas safe. I wanted this life gone. I needed to go back home. Nothing felt real. I grew quiet for a moment as I stared at the hands that were attempting to rip my dresses to shreds. They didn't seem real. They weren't mine. The world seemed blurry; I couldn't make sense of it. I heard a sound, it sounded like a sob. It must have been mine, there was no one else in here, but I couldn't connect to it.

A strong pounding on the door. Someone calling out. Was that my name? I retreated to my bed, pulling my knees to me chest and screwing my eyes shut. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn't connect to the world around me. The sound grew closer but I couldn't figure out what it was. I hugged my knees tighter, I focused on the feeling of my nails digging into my calves and it grounded me slightly. I was shaking from the fear of the unfamiliar situation; I tried to become aware of how my body was moving. I could feel reality slowly seep into my mind again.

I allowed my eyes to open slightly. There was a man in front of me, he looked vaguely familiar. He was walking slowly towards me.

"Stay away." I felt a sound come from me, but the voice sounded unfamiliar. The man stopped walking. I allowed myself to look around the room to orient myself. The door had been knocked down; the floor was covered in torn dresses and fragments of wood. It was my room… I think. The world was starting to become real but everything still felt foggy. "What happened?"

There was concern in the man's eyes. My body tensed as he tried to step closer. "I thought you were being attacked. The guards heard screaming in your room. Are you ok?" The events of the day started to come back to me. I had been screaming. I had wrecked my room.

_end of dissociation_

"I think I'm crazy." I closed my eyes again, praying I would wake up back home. Surely then I would feel normal again. I heard the man rush to my side and felt his hands rest on my arms. I thought he might hug me, but he remained distant. Instead I wrapped my arms around him, I longed for some connection to reality and I hoped the closeness would pull me back. It did a little, his warmth was comforting. I don't know how long we stayed like that for; he stroked my hair as I sobbed into his chest. Eventually I had calmed and I felt somewhat real again. I pulled away from the man in the hopes I would finally recognise him.

"Arthur?" His face seemed less of a blur now. He seemed perplexed, and very alarmed by my behaviour. His arms were still around me and I was hesitant to pull away completely. My mind raced and I could feel the panic start to bubble inside of me, I took a deep breath and my grip on him tightened.

"What happened?" My eyes were fixed to his, entranced by the flecks of gold I had never noticed before.

"You're meant to be in bed recovering." I dismissed his question, still somewhat in a daze.

"I had to check on you. Did someone hurt you? What happened here?" I shifted so I could look out of the window. Arthur and I had never been this close before, physically or emotionally. But he cared, that was blatantly clear.

"I don't know. It's like I blacked out. You know I told you about the fact I've not been doing so well… I've been missing home a lot. And I feel so alone here. Things are weird… I can't talk to anyone. I think I just wanted to destroy everything, I thought that might somehow take me back. But I can't go back. I can't ever go back…" I watched him furrow his brow, I suddenly felt very self-conscious. I could feel his judgement. I should never have opened up to him. I was such an idiot. I hurriedly pulled my arms away from him, struggling to hide my grimaces as I did so. I had forgotten I had punched the walls, my hands were bloody and I was sure I had fractured some of my bones. Arthur grabbed my hands as I tried to hide them from him. He seemed horrified but what he saw.

"We have to get you to Gaius." I struggled to pull my hands from him, the exhaustion from my outburst finally catching up with me as the adrenaline left my system.

"I can't. They can't see me like this." I couldn't ignore Arthur's confused expression. "They don't know that I've been like this. They wouldn't understand… I don't want them to hate me." I locked my eyes to the ground but I could still see his frown in my peripheral vision.

"Gaius and Merlin… They love you. It is going to be alright." I gave him a small nod, still not really believing what he told me. But in that moment he was all I had, so I trusted him. He pulled me to my feet and wrapped an arm around me. We walked slowly to Gaius' workroom. When he heard my breathing quicken or saw tears start to run down my cheeks he would pause and pull me into a tight hug until I calmed down. Eventually we reached the workroom. Arthur knocked on the door softly, conscious not to startle me in my sensitive state. Gaius groggily opened the door, although upon seeing Arthur's concern and my shabby appearance he promptly woke up. He ushered us into the room and got to work finding bandages. He was asking Arthur some questions but I struggled to pay attention to what was being said. Gaius patching me up like this was reminiscent of my first day in Camelot, oddly he felt as much a stranger to me in that moment as he had when I had first met him. Arthur squeezed my hand, aware that my mind had drifted. The small smile I gave him felt incredibly false but I hoped it would ease his worries somewhat.

"Tasneem," I looked up at Gaius as he addressed me, "I'm going to bandaging your hand now, and then give you some medicine for the pain. Would that be alright?" I appreciated the softness in his voice. My small nod was indication enough and he gently began treating me. Arthur stayed close to me, putting his arms around me as I whimpered softly from the pain. At some point Merlin came in, but I never saw him. I heard his voice, and I heard Gaius urge him to go back to his room. I was grateful Gaius had done that for me, I was in no place to be talking to Merlin, not with how weird things were between us. Gaius finished quickly, telling me to keep the bandages on and keep them clean, things I already knew.

Arthur walked me back, which I appreciated. It was the middle of the night by this point, he must have been exhausted. He should have been in bed recovering from his injuries, I was genuinely surprised that he had taken this much time out of his day to help me. He helped me into bed, tucking me in tightly like my parents used to when I was child.

"Thank you Arthur, I'm so sorry-"

"Don't apologise. You helped me yesterday, consider this repayment." I scoffed at the cheeky smile on his face, I was quickly discovering there was something inexplicably wonderful about him at times.

"I hardly find the two comparable, I just watched you sleep."

"You made sure I didn't die, I did the same for you. We're even." I couldn't hide my grin. He truly would make a brilliant king. "Now get some rest, you've been through a lot." He picked up a chair I had thrown earlier and placed it near the window, he chuckled at my quizzical expression as he sat in the chair. "You watched me sleep, it is only fair."

"Arthur you can't stay there, you'll be uncomfortable, go to bed."

"I need to make sure you're alright." My breath caught, stunned by the serious tone in his voice. I contemplated ways to make him leave, but Arthur was stubborn and I doubted anything I could say would change his mind.

"Ok, get in the bed then." This time it was my turn to chuckle at his flabbergasted expression.

"That's hardly appropriate." He had turned bright red and it was amusing to say the least.

"We're not going to do anything. But you need to rest, you're still recovering. And if you insist on staying you might as well be comfortable." He still seemed unconvinced. "You can stay on top of the covers, nothing is going to happen." He considered it for a moment before taking off his shoes and lying on the bed beside me. The awkwardness he felt radiated off of him, but I paid little attention to it. My brain was too exhausted and I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Tasneem's eyes lazily opened as she snuggled closer to the source of the warmth in her bed. The light streamed in rather beautifully, which was most definitely odd because she usually closed the shutters; however today they hung loosely by their hinges, a casualty of the chaos of the previous night. As her gaze landed on her disordered room hazy images started to trickle into her memory. How had she allowed things to get this far? As she contemplated what this episode would mean for her mental health she noticed an arm wrapped tightly around her waist. She swore under her breath, realising that the warmth she had been enjoying was actually Prince fucking Arthur. His grip only tightened with each attempt she made to unravel herself from him. Panic began to set in at the thought of being caught in such a compromising position. Hoping that speed would be her saviour she swiftly rolled out of the bed. Unfortunately, her attempt was unsuccessful and she landed with an ungraceful thump on the floor, waking Arthur in the process. From here she could look at him properly. His hair was scruffy, his face stretched in a long yawn, his top had slipped up during the night to show his toned stomach. Tasneem struggled to suppress the swell of attraction she felt from seeing him like this.

"What are you doing on the floor?" Tasneem's cheeks reddened.

"Erm… I fell out of bed." Arthur reached a hand over to help pull her to her feet. "You should get going. You probably have a busy day."

"Right, that's a good idea. Are you sure you don't want a hand clearing this up?" Tasneem filled with dread at the prospect of having to sort out her room by herself, but she knew she couldn't keep Arthur any longer. He had already done too much for her.

"I'll be ok." Her meek smile did little to reassure him. She busied herself by picking up the clothes that were strewn on the floor as he put on his shoes and tried to make himself presentable. However, that could not distract Tasneem from the fact that Arthur's eyes were fixed on her. He was desperate to say something to break the awkward silence, but he was unable to find the words to express himself. With a resigned sigh Arthur walked to the door, noticing that it hung open slightly.

"Sorry for breaking your door, I will make sure to hire a carpenter to fix that." Tasneem chuckled at his gracious behaviour.

"Don't apologise, I appreciate you making sure I was safe." Arthur shifted uncomfortably, she genuinely seemed better but seeing her in such a state last night had terrified him. Of course he didn't know the girl well, but what had happened was definitely not normal behaviour. She had seemed so happy a few weeks ago, always joking and laughing with Merlin. And now... well he didn't quite recognise the woman in front of him. "Goodbye Arthur, thank you again."

"Oh…Yes, goodbye. See you later." He paused for a moment, looking at her intently. "How are you feeling? Better than last night?" Tasneem held her breath, now she had gained some sanity she struggled to adjust to Arthur's new behaviour. Before last night he was practically a stranger to her, but now he'd helped when she was most vulnerable and still he was empathetic and kind. She'd had this image of Arthur being aloof and stuck up, frankly he struck her as a medieval fuck boy. There was difficulty in separating that image from the reality.

"I'm much better, I'll be alright don't worry. Now off you go, you've got a kingdom to look after." The warmth of her smile convinced him and he left quickly. Tasmeem got to work repacking her closet; thankfully most of the dresses could be easily repaired. Not even a minute after Arthur had left there was a knock at the door. Presuming it was Arthur she continued with her work.

"Come in!" She heard the door creak open behind me, "Did you forget something?"

"I don't think so." Tasneem turned swiftly around, startled by Merlin's voice. She took in his distress at the state of her room, "What happened here? Everything's destroyed."

Tasneem was quiet, she had no idea how to interact with him anymore. "Things got a bit mad last night, I made a bit of a mess."

He snorted derisively, "That's an understatement." Tasneem chose to continue focusing on folding away her dresses. She had no desire to be judged. Merlin remained in silence for a moment, mourning the relationship they used to have. Truth be told, he'd missed her greatly, but she seemed so distant now and he didn't know how to bridge the growing gap between them. He couldn't hide his frustration, he wanted things to be as easy as they used to be before... Well before he'd started to see her as more than a friend. "Gaius said you were acting off is that why you're sleeping with Arthur?" She froze at his question, detecting the malice in his tone. This was not the lighthearted atmosphere she was used to with Merlin.

"I am not sleeping with Arthur." Tasneem's fingers tightened around the dress she had picked up.

"Yes you are. Don't even try and deny it. He just left-" Bubbles of fury grew in her stomach. He couldn't just come barrelling into her life after being so incredibly absent. He had no right to come in here and hurl accusations at her.

"How dare you? I just said I didn't fucking sleep with him. And even if I did how is it your business?" She balled up the dress she had been folding and hurled it at his chest. She knew it wouldn't hurt him but she hoped it would get her message across.

"Oh well excuse me, I thought we were friends. I'm just trying to look out for you" Merlin knew that Arthur wouldn't do anything to hurt Tasneem, but his jealousy was seeping through.

"You don't fucking act like it. You disappear off the face of the fucking planet and when you come back you act like I don't even exist."

"My mother was dying and you didn't even come check if I was ok." Of course this had upset Merlin, but that wasn't the reason he had been avoiding her. His mother had spoken to him and cemented the thoughts that had been swirling around his head since their almost-kiss. He was starting to fall in love with her, and his mother approved.

"So was half of the lower town, I had a lot on my plate-"

"I thought we were friends." He hoped she would hear his desperation. He had thought they were friends, but now he wanted more than that. But how could he compete with Arthur? She deserved more than him.

"So did I." Her chest was rose and fell rapidly from the strength of the rage that was pulsing through her. She remained oblivious to the storm raging in Merlin's mind. "Merlin if you just came here to fight and call me a slut you can leave now. I'm not in the mood." His eyes fell as she proceeded to ignore him. This wasn't what he's wanted at all.

"I came to check if you were alright."

"You came to pass judgement." With a frustrated huff he walked towards her and helping sort out the heap of dresses that lay on the floor.

"I've done this all wrong. I've missed you, I want things back to the way they were."

"Me too. I've been struggling without you and Gaius to be honest." Tasneem hadn't fully forgiven him, but frankly she needed him back in her life. She felt like she had no one here, it would do her good to have Merlin back.

"Yeah I can tell." This time his snicker didn't seem demeaning and Tasneem felt a small smile creep onto her face. "So what actually happened last night?"

"Nothing really, I think things just got a bit too much." He knew she was lying, but he was hesitant to push things further.

"Next time things get too much you can come and talk to me. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Her meek response was unconvincing; Merlin vowed he would keep a closer eye on her from now on. He'd been so wrapped up in how own emotions he'd failed to see her spinning out. And from what Gwen had told him Tasneem and Morgana hadn't spoken in weeks, without that emotional outlet she was sure to be struggling. Sure her and Merlin were close, but they never really strayed into the more serious stuff and Merlin wanted to keep it that way. He didn't want to risk spilling his emotions to her. So for now he'd watch, maybe try and repair her broken relationship with Morgana, and try and keep her away from Arthur.

Cleaning went quickly with Merlin by her side, within an hour everything was back to normal. They spent the hour getting used to each other's company again, catching up on the last few weeks. Soon they were laughing like they used to, finding joy in nothing in particular. As Merlin used his magic to fix all that she had broken in her room Tasneem gaped in awe. The butterflies causing chaos in Merlin's stomach refused to settle, no one had ever looked at him like that before. Of course Merlin loved his magic, but everyone had always viewed it with suspicion. Tasneem had never been tainted by Camelot's laws, she could see no shame or danger in his skills. He wanted to see her smile like that again, Tasneem giggled as she felt her hair move once again, Merlin's magic braiding it into a simple plait. She rushed to the mirror to admire his handiwork.

"God I've missed that. Thank you, it looks stunning."

"Not as stunning as you." Merlin blushed deeply, oh God why had he said that? He was trying to keep his feelings to himself but all he could think about was how beautiful she was. "I should go, Arthur probably needs me." He rushed out of Tasneem's room, not noticing her confusion. Her fingers absently played with her newly braided hair as she wondered if Merlin might actually like her back. No one had called her stunning before. She resolved that she was probably reading too much into it, Merlin was just being nice.

* * *

Tasneem made her way to Morgana's chambers, some freshly picked flowers in her hand. After a tentative knock she was met with Gwen's smile.

"Trying to make amends?" Gwen asked, spying Tasneem's gift.

"If she'll let me." Tasnemm found Morgana embroidering at her desk, an intricate pattern decorating some deep green fabric. "That looks beautiful."

"Hmm..." Morgana seemed to avoid eye contact.

"I've brought some lilies, I know they're your favourite," Tasneem shifted awkwardly as Morgana continued to ignore her, "and some daisies, I thought we might make some flower crowns? Like you used to when you were little?" There was still no response. Tasneem was at a loss, it felt like she was talking to her stranger. A look of determination became fixed to Tasneem's face as she sat down beside Morgana, dumping the flowers on the table. She got to work messily making flower crowns, huffing as the stems broke from her aggressive technique. It felt like she couldn't get anything right. Yet just as she was about to give up there was a giggle from beside her. Tasneem turned her head to see Morgana's amusement.

"You really are terrible at this." Tasneem tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach, it had been so long since she'd witnessed Morgana's smile.

"Yes well not all of us are as talented as you, go on and show me how it's done." Morgana hesitated before picking up the daisies. She observed them cautiously before gracefully looping the stems around each other, forming the first link in the chain. Tasneem watched as Morgana skilfully continued the chain. "How did you get so good at this?"

"Unlike Arthur I was not allowed to go off on my own adventures growing up, I found other ways to occupy my time."

"I'd argue you'd still beat him in a fight though" Morgana chuckled lightly.

"Indeed, he does tend to fight rather too impulsively, he needs to be more calculated with his moves." The women shared a smile, slipping back into the friendship they once had. With Morgana's aid Tasneem eventually finished her crown, and the pair donned their delicate headpieces. They linked arms as they wandered around the castle together, laughing like they used to and bringing joy to those who they encountered. Tasneem still felt impossibly empty on the inside, but she was reassured by the knowledge that she had mended the broken relationships she had had with those she cared about. She knew there was still some distance between her and Morgana, but she felt comfortable that that was something that could and would be mended.


End file.
